My grandmother died last night, so now we’re trying to get things together to travel to her funeral—leaving after school tomorrow. 16 hour drive, lots of people milling around the house with food that no one will want to eat, visitation, funeral, 16 hour drive. And all the time no one will be talking or even looking at each other, because my family sucks at any kind of emotion, ever. (This is fact, and I am probably the worst culprit.)
I just—she was sick for a long time, and I’m so sad that she’s gone, but I’m glad she’s not suffering anymore. And I really, really, really don’t want to go through all the formalities of grief. I want to go to school like normal and watch her favorite TV shows late at night and remember her as she would want to be remembered—happily, giving thanks that she lived so long and so fully, knowing that she loved us all—but I don’t want to make nice with lots of people I don’t know, to stand in the receiving line and hear condolences from people. It’s what’s expected, and they’ve every right to want to come and pay their respects to their friend, but I still don’t want to do it. Which makes me feel terribly guilty, but there you are.
Honestly, I’m so relieved that she wanted to be cremated, because then there won’t be any physical reminder of her at the funeral.
God, I am such a horrible person sometimes.